The Case of the Vanishing Buyback: How Ford Turned “We’ll Help” into “We’re Ghosting You”

Apparently, Ford’s legal department and I are in a long-distance relationship. They just forgot to tell me it was over.

Let me back up.
Consumer Affairs — bless their optimistic hearts — approved the buyback of my lemon. The letter was even overnighted by FedEx, which I assume was meant to convey urgency. I opened it expecting relief, maybe even a faint glimmer of justice. Instead, it asked me to send Ford all the documentation they already have — my sales contract, service records, payment history — you know, the same things their own dealerships created, printed, and billed me for.

The kicker? The FedEx envelope had no return address, no email, no phone number. Nothing. It’s as if Ford wants the paperwork, but only if I can telepathically transmit it through sheer frustration. I imagine some lawyer in Dearborn staring into space thinking, “If we don’t give him an address, technically he can’t say we ignored him.”

Meanwhile, the car — a 2024 Mustang GT that was apparently used by Harper Motors (Harper Ford) as a stunt prop in Fast & the Furious: Eureka Drift — sits in storage. I pay 100 bucks a day to keep it indoors, because if so much as a seagull sneezes near it, Ford will probably claim “environmental depreciation” and deduct a few grand for “bird droppings impacting resale value.”

Let’s recap:

• Ford admits it owes me a buyback.
• Ford’s lawyers take control and pull the plug.
• Ford sends a letter demanding documents they already possess.
• Ford forgets to include any way to send said documents.

Somewhere, someone at Ford probably got promoted for this “streamlined” process.

So here I am: the proud owner of a six-figure paperweight that occasionally tries to kill me when it “fails to perform in a safe manner.” It’s not a muscle car anymore — it’s performance art about corporate indifference.

If Kafka had owned a Mustang, The Trial would’ve been about waiting for Ford Legal to call back.